Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
