4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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