Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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