Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
