it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
