If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
