Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize