so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We have started to decorate penises.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
