Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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