You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
God I need to hump something, right now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
