I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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