She is in my trunk
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
