so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
