i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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