dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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