I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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