At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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