Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Randomize