Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
