I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
