I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
