1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
