4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
