A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
