Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize