his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
