Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
