Your face is a jimmy john
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
