i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
