My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
