hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
