So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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