Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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