i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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