I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
