I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
