Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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