come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize