The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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