Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize