she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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