I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
