so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
