Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
