my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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