The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
