I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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