drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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