I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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