I puked a lego.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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