The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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