I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
