No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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