There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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