Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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