Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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